


welcome home

by kimannhart



Category: Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst, Gen, Heavy Angst, Hurt No Comfort, Hurt Tony Stark, Not Beta Read, Tony Stark Angst, Tony Stark Feels, Tony Stark Has Issues, Tony Stark Has Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, Tony Stark Has Self-Esteem Issues, Tony Stark Needs a Hug, mostly canon, the end part can be seen/read as suicidal ideation, this is all pain and i'm not sorry, tony blames himself a lot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-25
Updated: 2019-03-25
Packaged: 2019-12-07 10:06:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,244
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18233441
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kimannhart/pseuds/kimannhart
Summary: Sometimes Tony could see his mother's ghost and deep down he knew that wasn't a good sign.





	welcome home

**Author's Note:**

> Please read the tags. It's possible I left out a tag, so if I did please let me know so I can update it accordingly. 
> 
> Listen... this fic is very sad. I blame my weird/sad mindset I was in and also because I was thinking about Hill House and how much I miss that show, for this fic.
> 
> This isn't beta read so all mistakes are mine. 
> 
> I hope you enjoy the painfest.

Whenever something traumatic happens to us, we tend to build defenses to help repress the flooding of emotions and memories that we can be hit with. We like to turn ourselves into statues to try and harden ourselves from the trauma we faced. We like to build up walls. But what we do not realize is that eventually cracks will begin to appear and inevitably that statue-like state we protected ourselves in falls. And we are vulnerable to our trauma once again.

And the more we leave the traumatic experiences untouched, the more the walls will expand, grow, and eventually become a dark house full of our own devastation. At some point, we end up becoming trapped in the labyrinthine structure our trauma has become. Sometimes, the long hallways that lead to nowhere and the dreary walls can become too much for us, and we end up craving for an escape. Some of us are lucky and are able to free ourselves from the labyrinth, and some of us are not lucky enough to find that escape.

Tony was unfortunately one of the people that fell into the latter category. Sure, he tried talking about his own emotions with Bruce once. Told him how sometimes the death of his mother still messes him up and how he never properly dealt with the trauma he faced. And how sometimes he can see the ghost of his mother watching him from a distance, slowly getting closer and closer to him. But when Tony realized that not even his own friend would willingly listen to him, Tony figured that talking about his traumatic experiences and his mother’s ghost with someone he trusted was no use. So, he bottled everything up, pushed the thoughts aside, and became a statue once more.

And it worked, and Tony thought he was fine. The ghost of his mother stopped showing up and Tony thought he and everything was going to be alright.

The Avengers had their small missions here and there. Tony and Steve had started getting a lot closer, edging on to a possible romantic relationship. Weekly movie and game nights returned. Steve brought back Sam Wilson and he ended up joining the team. And Tony was beginning to believe that he was okay and that the Avengers were his family. His mother never showed up once and figured that it was a good sign, that maybe the trauma that he casted to the side was dealt with and gone.

Everything was going great for him.

But then Wanda manipulated his mind.

And the statue-like state that Tony protected himself in had started to crack. Then everything began piling up on him. Ultron. JARVIS. Vision. The Battle of Sokovia. Bruce leaving which was slowly followed by the rest of the Avengers trickling out as well. And with Rhodey, Happy, and Pepper all busy with their own responsibilities, Tony was left all alone. Sure, he had his bots but it just wasn’t the same as real human interactions. So, Tony was alone.

But not for long.

His dearest friends had finally come out of hiding and reached out to encompass him once more.

The trauma, fear, anxiety, and depressing thoughts were back in full force. And they guided Tony. They brought him back to thoughts of guilt and self-blame. Made him question why he wasn’t enough. Why people always end up leaving him at some point or another. They guided him back to his mother’s grave and let him wallow in the darkness of his mind. They played on Wanda’s manipulation and made him believe that he was the reason that the Avengers had started to drift apart.

In all honesty, Tony was glad that they were back. Because he thought that maybe, with them in mind they would help him become more likeable, or at the very least more tolerable to others. His dear friends gave him the push he needed to start to convert the Stark Industries facility into the new Avengers facility. Tony hoped that the other Avengers would see this and that they would come back home and be a family again. And they did once construction was actually finished, but it wasn’t the same. The family-like dynamic they had before Ultron had vanished and the almost relationship level that he and Steve were at was gone as well.

Steve had become more distant. Rhodey, Natasha, Sam, and the rest of the new Avengers were busy training and going off on missions every now and then. Movie and game nights were nonexistence. Everything was different now. But to Tony, that was okay because the Avengers still came back. His family was here.

Eventually though, being physically back just wasn’t enough. Tony was still so alone.

“It’s okay,” his dear friends whispered in the back of his mind, “You won’t be alone soon.”

* * *

Tony was muttering to himself in his workshop when he heard the eerie voice.

“Bambino.”

Tony froze. His breathing had begun to get more shallow. _No, it can’t be._ He thought. Tony shut his eyes, his hand gripping tightly to the wrench he was holding. He tried to control his breathing while he counted to ten aloud in hopes to ground himself.

“Bambino, look at me. Mama is here.”

His grip on the wrench loosened, and Tony dropped it on the ground. The loud clang echoed in the workshop as Tony gulped. He hesitantly opened his eyes and glanced to his right.

There she was.

His mother’s ghost was back.

“Mama,” his voice cracked.

The ghostly figured smiled at him. One of the biggest things that Tony noticed this time around was that this was the first time his mother’s ghost actually spoke to him. Before, all she did when she was around was watch him and never spoke. She just kept quiet and watched.

The second thing that Tony noticed was that she was closer to his body than ever before. She was standing right at the opposite end of his workshop.

“Hi bambino. I’ve missed you.”

Tony’s fingers and feet itched to reach out to her, to move closer, to just touch her, but his brain stopped himself. _She’s not real. She’s not real, she’s not here Tony. She’s dead._

“Oh, bambino that hurts. I’m here. Aren’t you happy that your mama is back?”

He let out a gasp and shook his head. His eyes promptly shut and his fingers went up to tug at his hair. “No,” he muttered. “You’re _not_ real. You’re not here. You can’t be because you’re _dead_.”

Maria’s ghost smiled sadly at her son. “It’s okay Antonio. You’ll come home soon.”

Before Tony could even question what she meant by that she was gone.

* * *

The next time Maria’s ghost showed up was the day Ross presented the Accords to him and the rest of the Avengers.

As the Avengers argued about the Accords at the Compound, Tony felt a chilling breeze go past him and the hairs on the back of his neck had stood up. Tony thought it was his mother, but he couldn’t even seen her figure. Tony silently hoped that the chills that he felt was just some random occurrence and that she wasn’t back. But his dear friends in the back of his mind assured him it was her.

Throughout the whole argument, Tony didn’t see or hear his mother once. It confused him, he wondered why she hasn’t shown herself or said anything.

It wasn’t until the Avengers made their way out of the Compound and left him alone that she finally made her presence known.

“What a sad sight. To see a family fight.”

Tony had immediately tensed when his mother’s haunting voice reached his ears. She was even closer now. Standing just a few feet away from him.

Maria grinned. “Hello Antonio.”

“Why are you here?” He asked. “Why are you back? After all this time, why are you back? I was doing fine without you.”

“Oh don’t give me that bambino. We both know you weren’t and still aren’t fine.” Maria moved to sit on the chair that Steve had been sitting on. “And that is no way to talk to your mama. Jarvis, your Aunt Peggy, and I raised you better than that,” Maria scolded.

Tony fought back tears. Seeing her so close hurt him because it brought back memories of his younger self. Giggling as she twirled him around in her arms. Of the times when he, Maria, Jarvis, and Aunt Peggy would bake cookies with him during Christmas. Or the times when his mama would teach him to play the piano. Memories that were filled with love and glee. He was beginning to wish that she was still alive just so he could go home again. To just go home and see his mama one more time.

“I miss you,” Tony choked out, the tears slowly falling down his face. But it was heard by no one because Maria was gone.

* * *

When Sharon had texted him saying that their Aunt Peggy had finally passed, Tony was devastated. He hopped onto the next flight to London and spent the short amount of time he had with his younger cousin. A large part of him had wanted to tell Sharon how he was seeing Maria’s ghost but held back, figuring that sharing that tidbit of information now wasn’t the best time. Instead, the two of them just spent their time watching trashy rom-coms and reminiscing on the past with stories from their times with their Aunt Peggy.

As soon as it was time for Aunt Peggy’s funeral, Tony decided to hide himself in the back, not wanting to draw attention to himself. As Sharon was called up to say a few words, Tony felt the chilling breeze blow past him.

“Your Aunt Peggy came home, bambino. She and Jarvis miss you as much as I do. When will you come home to us?”

Tony craned his neck and saw nothing but the front doors of the church. He let out a shaky breath.

_She’s not here Tony. You’re just making this up. It’s all in your head. Get a hold of yourself. You need to focus on the Accords. You need to convince Steve it’s worth signing. You need to bring your family back together or you’ll be alone for the rest of your life._

Tony took one last look his Aunt Peggy’s coffin, silently said his goodbyes, and walked out of the church.

* * *

It didn’t work.

Convincing Steve to sign the Accords didn’t work.

He failed and Tony’s failures began piling up even more.

He got Peter involved and he got hurt. Rhodey is paralyzed as far as he knows. The others were tossed into the Raft.  His family was split apart, torn into two and it was all his fault.

Everything was his fault.

And then when he arrived at Siberia and Zemo revealed the truth of his parents’ death all Tony could feel was the pain and anger.

_Why didn’t Steve tell me? Did I not deserve to know the truth? Did he not trust me at all?_

Tony acted out and attacked Barnes and Steve.

He knew he could have easily hurt them or even kill them but he couldn’t do that. Because deep down Tony hoped that maybe if Steve realized he wasn’t giving his all in the fight that he would stop and they could talk things out.

But Steve didn’t stop.

And Tony was afraid.

_Is this how it all ends? With Steve killing me?_

As Steve slammed his shield down onto the arc reactor, his suit powered down. And Tony immediately felt the pain envelope his sternum. His whole body finally feeling the injuries he sustained. But to Tony it wasn’t the physical pain that hurt him the most, it was the emotional pain. That heart wrenching feeling of Steve leaving him in the bunker with the shield his father made.

 _Please don’t leave me here Steve_. He wanted to say but he couldn’t because Steve and Barnes were gone.

And Tony was alone, left trapped in his suit with no way out.

Tony laid on the floor of the bunker for an agonizing hour. The coldness crept into his suit and Tony felt numb. It hurt to breathe and he was beginning to feel that he was on his way to losing consciousness.

But then, a figured appeared and sat right next to him. A hand reached out and cupped his cheek, and grounded him back to the bunker. Tony’s vision was a bit hazy but his eyes were able to focus for a few seconds. He smiled when he recognized who it was.

“Mama,” he whispered.

Maria smiled softly as she pressed a kiss to Tony’s forehead. “I’m here Antonio. Mama is here.”

“I’m sorry.”

She tilted her head, “For what?”

“For not being enough. For being the reason that everyone leaves me. For not saying more before you left.”

“Oh Antonio, you were always enough…”

The rest of his mama’s words were lost to Tony. He held on as long as he could but he was tired. All he wanted was to go home now. To go home and see his mama, Jarvis, and Aunt Peggy. It was time for him to go home.

As Tony slowly slipped into unconsciousness, the last thing he was able to here was the comforting voice of his mama.

“Welcome home, bambino.”


End file.
